Struggling: A Primer

Have you ever had these frustrating moments when you know something is missing in your life, perhaps you are not in the right career, or maybe your circle is devoid of any meaningful deep connections/discussions.. The list goes on, and your grievances pile on all the same. As for me, the last 3 to 4 months have been educational and eye opening: by objective metrics, I’ve made strides to improve my living situation, elevate my knowledge and skill pool, and even taken some meaningful steps to reconnect with my family and friends. In those ways, it feels like I’m finally winning. The 17 year old bullied class clown alumni would be proud of the solo journey of self-development I’ve went through, and still am going through..

However, even with all of these things in motion, I cannot help but be punished heavily in my hastey decisions throughout my early adulthood; from grabbing the first job offer landing me in the Netherlands, to the unfortunate lack of interest I show for this web development career path. Coding in general, and cold data crunching platforms are a snoozefest to work with. The limited fun parts are either too difficult a problem to solve within a reasonable amount of time and effort, or have already been figured out, leaving you little choice but to make a library call and ship it in a sprint.

What’s the problem with me?

This apathy for my Job turned into a career does not end when I clock out at 5 pm, sadly. I usually keep that same energy going for any hobby or interest that requires even 5% of daily effort to become competent at. My current writing shtick is a perfect example: Always a struggle to find 10 minutes in an empty schedule to put to words some of my personal experiences or grievances. And do not even dare suggest a 10 minutes google research to enhance the quality and informational density of my ideas!

As for the causes, one can obviously point to the excessive use of mind-numbing tech. Social media circlejerking sessions will leave you mentally exhausted, where all of your good will and energy is saped away, with nothing left to give for activities that truly matter to your development as a human. We tend to simplify that explanation by the blanket term of “laziness”, and while I by no means am immune to lazing around for the sake of it, I do fight a commendable effort against my instincts and lack of focus. Its not really about “goal oriented” buzzwordedness, its about living a life I would enjoy living. If my values and interests strongly align with what Japan has to offer, then it stands to reason that the GMAT exam I am studying for is the number 1 activity I should be prioritizing, even over my job.

A way forward

I don’t believe in silver bullets. I’ve tried oh-so-many times to flip the productivity switch in my brain and hack my way to a longterm solution. The truth is, I can only do what I truly believe I wish to. My inner voice has to be in sync with my outer persona. This is where practices such as mindfulness and social media detox can help bridge the gap between what I truly desire, and what I actually do in my day to day life. So perhaps an emphasis on lowering my phone usage in favor of an increased number of mindfulness sessions could see me spend more of my limited energy reserves on what matters most to my true self.

Mou nihon ni ikitai..